(Maybe the) Leaked Draft of the Interim NTSB Report on the Crash of American Airlines 5342 in D.C.

HISTORY OF THE FLIGHT

(The Real, Totally Legit, Not Fake Report from the National Trump Safety Board—Because the Deep State Can’t Be Trusted!)

On the glorious, freedom-filled evening of January 29, 2025, a beautiful, perfectly-maintained, all-American airplane, American Airlines Flight 5342 (which, let’s be honest, was practically a TRUMP FORCE ONE in spirit), took off from Wichita, Kansas—a state filled with hardworking, patriotic Americans who love God, guns, and low taxes. The plane was bound for Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, a wonderful airport with a fantastic name (unlike the woke disaster they call “JFK”).

The real American pilots, Captain Jonathan Campos and First Officer Samuel Lilley, both loyal patriots and, we’re told, very strong, very tough men, were doing everything right. Experts agree they were flying better than any pilots have ever flown in the history of flight. But then—out of nowhere—an enemy aircraft appeared.

A U.S. Army Black Hawk helicopter, crewed by a group of DEI hires, was flying way too low—probably because they don’t teach real skills anymore, just pronouns and CRT. This helicopter was part of a woke military training exercise, which, as we all know, has become a total joke since the radical left started focusing on making soldiers cry instead of making them win wars.

The facts are undeniable:

• Captain Rebecca Lobach, a woman, was somehow allowed to fly a military helicopter (we’re still investigating how that happened).
• Chief Warrant Officer Andrew Eaves, a woke officer (possibly Antifa, we don’t know, but many people are saying it), was also in the cockpit, likely scrolling TikTok instead of flying the aircraft.
• Instead of following proper flight procedures, the woke crew was probably discussing diversity quotas, complaining about the wage gap, or whatever they do when they should be flying.

Despite the heroic efforts of the brave, patriotic, Trump-loving pilots of Flight 5342, the incompetent, woke, affirmative-action crew of the helicopter failed to obey basic aviation rules—and smashed right into the airplane, creating one of the most unfair disasters in aviation history.

The airplane, which was flying 100% normally (in fact, some say it was flying better than planes have ever flown before), was attacked by woke incompetence at 300 feet and was forced down into the Potomac River, a body of water that many believe should have been drained long ago.

It was a sad day for America. But let’s be clear: this was not the fault of our beautiful pilots, nor the airplane, nor even gravity. This was the fault of leftist incompetence, DEI hiring practices, and the deep state’s war on real Americans.

CONCLUSIONS

(The ONLY REAL NTSB Report—Because We Don’t Listen to Woke Lies!)

1. The flight crew of Flight 5342 were ABSOLUTE HEROES. They did NOTHING WRONG. In fact, some experts say they should be rewarded posthumously with Presidential Medals of Freedom.
2. The helicopter was piloted by DEI hires, who were likely put there because of quotas instead of actual skill. Many experts agree that merit-based hiring from a pool of Trump-approved candidates would have prevented this disaster.
3. Captain Rebecca Lobach, a FEMALE military pilot, was likely a diversity hire. Real pilots don’t crash into airplanes.
4. The air traffic control tower was understaffed because the FAA has been too busy promoting “equity” instead of focusing on actual safety.
5. The Black Hawk helicopter was flying at 300 feet—an altitude that many experts say is “completely made up” and “probably shouldn’t even exist”.
6. The American Airlines pilots received a TCAS alert and tried to avoid the crash, but you can’t outfly wokeness.
7. The FAA has been compromised by woke policies and critical race theory, leading to underqualified personnel being put in charge of major safety decisions.
8. There was NO REASON for this crash to happen. It was completely preventable if only the military had hired based on COMPETENCE instead of WOKENESS.
9. We need an immediate, total, and permanent BAN on DEI hiring in aviation. If you can’t fly a plane without crying about microaggressions, you shouldn’t be anywhere near the cockpit.
10. We are calling for the IMMEDIATE resignation of every FAA official who has ever used the phrase “equity” in a sentence.
11. There should be a nationwide investigation into how many pilots are flying right now because of diversity quotas instead of actual ability. Americans deserve safe skies, not woke skies!
12. This was an ATTACK on real Americans. And we will NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

FINAL RECOMMENDATION

President Donald J. Trump should personally oversee all aviation regulations, ensuring that only the MOST LOYAL, MOST COMPETENT pilots are in the sky.

• All airline pilots should swear an oath of loyalty to America (and, let’s be honest, to President Trump himself).
• All military pilots should be hand-selected by Trump-approved officials for their loyalty to the Best President in History, not their pronouns.
• All air traffic controllers should have to pass a background check proving they are not Democrats before being allowed to direct planes.

ONLY THEN WILL AMERICA HAVE SAFE SKIES AGAIN!