Opening Scene: Title Card and Introduction
(Upbeat, satirical music plays. The screen shows the title: “The Great Confederate Farce.” A subtitle reads, “A Humorous Look at the Glorious Confederacy.” The camera zooms into a cartoonish, exaggerated plantation landscape.)
Narrator (cheerful, sarcastic):
Welcome to the grand Confederacy! A land of cotton, sunshine, and freedom—well, freedom for some! Let’s meet Travis Everyman, a simple fellow who dreams of living in this paradise.
(Cut to Travis, a scrappy, barefoot Southerner in patched overalls, lying under a tree. He’s dozing, with a smile on his face. The screen ripples to show his dream of the “glorious Confederacy.”)
Scene 1: Life in the “Glorious Confederacy”
(Travis wakes up in a surreal Confederate landscape. Giant Confederate flags flap in the breeze, the sun has a smug Jefferson Davis face, and the trees spell out “Cotton is King!” in their branches.)
Travis (awestruck):
Gee whiz! This here’s just like I imagined—paradise on Earth!
(Suddenly, a loud bugle blows. A cartoonishly strict overseer with a whip and a crooked mustache marches up.)
Overseer:
Up an’ at ‘em, boy! This ain’t no place for lazy loafers! You got cotton to pick for the glory of the Confederacy!
(Travis is handed an enormous, back-breaking sack. He stumbles under its weight.)
Scene 2: The Plantation Farce
(Travis is shown laboring in the fields alongside exhausted enslaved workers. He tries to make small talk but is interrupted by a booming voice.)
Jefferson Davis (off-screen):
Work harder, y’all! Remember, this is for state’s rights and liberty—mine, not yours!
(Jefferson Davis appears, riding a cartoonishly overdecorated horse. He has a monocle, a ridiculous sash covered in medals, and a tea cup in hand. He addresses Travis directly.)
Jefferson Davis:
Ah, a fine Southern gentleman like you understands! Slavery is the natural order, ordained by God Himself. Isn’t it a privilege to toil for our noble cause?
(Travis looks confused but nods nervously. Meanwhile, Alexander Stephens emerges, carrying a giant book labeled “Cornerstone Speech for Dummies.”)
Alexander Stephens:
Indeed, Davis! Our Confederacy stands on the truth that inequality is the cornerstone of civilization. Now, let me explain with needlessly complex nonsense.
(Stephens begins speaking in convoluted gibberish, wildly gesturing with his oversized book. Charts and graphs appear out of thin air, illustrating nonsensical ideas like “Slavery Efficiency Metrics” and “The Science of Inferiority,” with arrows looping back on themselves.)
Stephens (pontificating):
You see, the natural order of society, as ordained by the almighty, is predicated on the fundamental inequalities between races, which, when measured against the moral compass of the—ahem—agricultural aristocracy, prove unequivocally that…
(His voice fades into unintelligible mumbles as his words spiral into a vortex of pseudo-intellectual absurdity. The charts behind him burst into flames and fall to the ground in a heap of ashes.)
(Travis blinks, his eyes glazing over as he tries to follow the nonsense. His mouth drops open slightly.)
Travis (muttering):
This don’t make a lick of sense… reckon he just likes hearin’ himself talk.
(Nearby, an enslaved worker rolls their eyes and mimics Stephens’ over-the-top gestures, drawing quiet chuckles from the others. A Confederate soldier leans over to Travis and whispers.)
Soldier:
Don’t bother tryin’ to figure it out, kid. He’s been talkin’ like that for years, and not a soul’s ever understood him. Just nod and pretend you agree, or he’ll go on for hours.
(Travis sighs and gives a half-hearted nod, which seems to satisfy Stephens, who beams proudly and continues his nonsensical tirade.)
Scene 3: Military Madness
(Travis is dragged to a Confederate military camp. Soldiers are marching in circles, tripping over their own feet. Their rifles are rusty, and their uniforms are in tatters. The commander, a bumbling caricature of Robert E. Lee, is yelling orders that make no sense.)
Robert E. Lee:
Charge that way! No, retreat this way! Actually, stay put! We’ll confuse the enemy with our superior chaos!
(Travis is handed a rifle with no ammunition and pushed into a battlefield. Cannonballs fly overhead, all of them missing their targets. A fellow soldier whispers to Travis.)
Soldier:
Ain’t got no shoes, no bullets, and no hope. But we’re fightin’ for… uh… what was it again?
Travis (shrugging):
Beats me. State’s rights? Cotton? Somebody’s pocketbook?
(A cannon explodes nearby, sending Travis flying. He lands in a ditch full of discarded Confederate bonds, labeled “WORTHLESS.”)
Scene 4: Travis’s Realization
(Travis stumbles through the surreal landscape, growing more disillusioned. Confederate propaganda posters come to life, mocking him with slogans like “Die for the Dream!” and “Slavery Forever!”)
Travis (panicked):
This ain’t no paradise—it’s a nightmare!
(He runs into Jefferson Davis and Alexander Stephens again, who are bickering over whether mint juleps or bourbon should be the “official drink of the Confederacy.” Meanwhile, enslaved workers are seen rebuilding the mansion Davis is lounging in, with no acknowledgment of their labor.)
Travis (yelling):
Y’all keep talkin’ about liberty, but I ain’t seen none! What kind of freedom is this?
(The dreamscape begins to crumble. The Confederate flag rips apart in the sky, revealing an American flag behind it. Travis wakes up in his bed, sweating.)
Scene 5: The Moral
(Travis looks around his humble but peaceful surroundings. He sees his neighbors—Black and white—working together in a thriving community. He smiles and shakes his head.)
Travis:
Thank goodness that nonsense is over. We’ve all got our struggles, but at least we’re free to fight ‘em together.
(The narrator returns as the screen fades to black.)
Narrator (cheerful):
And so ends our little journey into the farce of the Confederacy—a so-called “glorious cause” built on lies, greed, and oppression. Remember, folks: the past is worth remembering, but not worth repeating!
(The final shot is a cartoon eagle soaring over the American flag, accompanied by triumphant music.)
Credits Scene
(Over upbeat, satirical music, the credits show the caricatures of Confederate leaders bumbling around, tripping over their own egos, while the enslaved workers and soldiers laugh at their absurdity. The screen fades out with a final message.)
Text on Screen:
“Dedicated to the truth and to those who fought for a freer, more just America.”